Is Your Self Esteem Holding You Back?
You Are Not Alone.

A. How do I know my self esteem is holding me back from the life I want? Ask yourself the following questions, unless you have already done so on this Self Esteem Help intro page. as an exploratory exercise:

1. Do I have difficulty making friends?

2. Do I find it hard to make eye contact with others?

3. Do I have trouble with trust?

4. Am I uncomfortable with intimacy and affection?

5. Do I take dangerous risks?

6. Am I needy or clingy?

7. Do I fake affection?

8. Is my self-talk negative?

9. Do I find it difficult to forgive myself and others?

10. Do I analyze myself often?

11. Am I afraid of confrontation or adversity?

12. Am I alienated from my parents or other authority figures important to me?

13. Is it a fact that I rarely smile?

14. Do I have a negative outlook on life?

15. Am I always tired?

16. Do I avoid setting goals for myself?

17. Would I rather be alone, and avoid meeting new people?

There is no magic formula, no secret for how many answers are right or wrong for these questions. Know that if you are answering ‘yes’ to certain ones, or more than 3, or your instinct is telling you that you have a self esteem problem, than that is most important. See a licensed health care practitioner or counselor if you are having problems in the above areas of questioning, to the point that you are depressed or “sad” much of the time, or/and you are having physical health problems.

B. What are the behaviours women engage in, as a result of low self-esteem?

• You feel you are not really free or able to do the things you really want to do.

• You hold yourself back from letting loose, expressing yourself, or being the center of attention – even when it is about something wonderful you did/know/can do, and others would probably love to hear about it. Because of this, women avoid taking risks – afraid to fail.

• You avoid admitting responsibility for an error you made.

• You tend to be angered easily, maybe even violent (though this is astronomically more often seen in men with low self esteem).

• You drink alcohol to excess, or use illegal drugs, or have a dependence on prescription narcotics.

• You may have eating disorder issues such as over eating, anorexia or bulimia.

• Teens and young women: you are at risk of dropping out of school, may be promiscuous and even avoid or ‘forget’ contraceptives, allowing yourself to become pregnant. Low grades are common, even though your intellect is normal or even high.

• You tend to avoid activities which you know could boost your self esteem.

For some women, tragically, the ultimate end result of serious self esteem problems, usually combined with other problems, is suicide. If you are having thoughts of suicide, seek help today, at a clinic, hospital, help phone line in your area, or call 911 (Canada and USA). Women, hear this: You Can develop your self-esteem just as you learn how to drive your car, follow an exam schedule, colour your own hair, or breastfeed your baby. Once you have it, you will have it for good.

First, APPROVAL: start looking inside yourself for good feelings. Stop looking for approval from others. Practice this by thinking new thoughts, such as "It feels good to be alive today. I am going to have a good day, and enjoy it more than yesterday. I am going to think about my good qualities and start paying more attention to them. I will make sure to laugh out loud today. " Self esteem comes from your inner self – not from others, or external accomplishment. Give yourself permission to feel good about yourself any time, anywhere. How?

Secondly LET GO of negative feelings you have about yourself. This takes new thinking habits. Remember: the only way to solve a personal problem is to change the thinking that created it. That concept is one of my favourite ones from Einstein's philosophy on life. So for starters, 2 tools:

Learn and practice this simple, beyond positive thinking mantra, made famous by Dr. Emile Coué:

" Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better. "

Sound corny? Yep. Then why is it the basis of all affirmation practice? Because it works. It is a law of attraction principle. You see, the moment you begin to work towards improving your self esteem, you are getting better. The woman who continues to practice self esteem improvements every day, is in fact, getting better and better in every way.

When I taught college nursing students in mental health courses, ( mostly women ), we studied standard communication methods to help patients improve their self esteem. All these methods involve Coué's concept of Focus on The Positive Thinking ... even when the results are virtually imperceptible. For example, if today, you took a 30 minute walk for the first time in ages... you are getting better. If today you sat with a new person in the lunch room, you are getting better. If today you did not have unprotected sex, you are getting better. If today you forgave yourself for yelling at your sister again last night, you are getting better.

So ignore the corny-ness of the statement, and begin healing your inner self with positive messaging. Now. And From Now On.

How to Let Go. Learn some simple self talk to begin building your tool kit for eliminating dangerous negative feelings within you. How? When a negative thought comes into your mind,

a) Notice it. "Hmmm.... There's that nasty thought again..."

b) Ask yourself if you could think of something else instead. After all, you often think of other more positive thoughts, right?

c) Ask yourself if you could move that thought to the back of your mind, or even drop it all together for now, and think of something else.

d) Now just do it.

Keep practicing this until it becomes second nature, starting the process of healing and boosting your self esteem, a la law of attraction. Remember: the more often you can generate Good Feelings within yourself, the more you will find good feelings become your nature.

Continue boosting your self esteem with these practices:

1. Get serious about your health. Increase your activity level. get Moving: Exercise 30 minutes a day - this alone will boost your endorphins, your mood and so much more. Improve your nutrition habits.

2. Tend to and maintain your appearance in a way that feels and looks good to you. Get some tips if you need them.

3. Show respect to others. You will be amazed at the positive thinking self esteem 'bounce-back' you will get.

4. Smile more often, especially if you don't feel like it.

5. Compliment others.

6. Forgive yourself for anything you have done wrong, and make amends if need be. It is in the past. It is time to move on.

7. Express gratitude every day. Think about what you have to be grateful for as you drift off to sleep, and as you awaken.

8. Go For It. Aim for a goal that makes you happy. Start spending time moving towards it. Decide it. Apply your Energy there. Develop a Knowing feeling that Yes, You Can.
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For a great website on how our self-esteem affects the decisions we make
check out this page. Thanks, Janet!